My life is out of control

Food is the only thing that isn't.

I'm just going to stop prefacing each post with a warning about how sad it is. Just come to expect it during this 135 day fast, okay?

This fast has given me a lot of time to reflect on my life and feelings instead of soothing myself with food. I've come to realize that I feel I have completely no control over my life, and it depresses me. My ED developed because the act of eating or not is the only thing I can control.

I can control my weight by how much I eat. I can control my weight loss by how many calories I burn. I can control my body - feelings of hunger or pain, by whether or not I feed myself to make those feelings go away. I can't control all the fucked up things in my life. I can't control all the things that I want to have that I can't get. I can't control all the decisions I have to make that I don't want to in order to be a good person, a good mom, stay free, or stay alive. But I can control my body. I can control food. Eating is something I can control.

I don't think human beings are designed to feel helpless. And not being able to control anything in my life makes me feel exactly that. Having anorexia and not dying only increases the satisfaction I get from controlling what I eat. Because it now means I can control an eating disorder that no 'normal' person in the entire world believes can be controlled. Can you imagine what that feels like? To have a life that is just so completely out of control and repeatedly being forced to realize every day that you can control nothing, and then being able to control the one thing in the world no one else can.

This isn't about being pro-ana or pro anything. This is me. I know what I'm doing is not 'good'. I know psychologically, I'm not healthy. And maybe one day, I'll stop. Maybe, one day I'll get better. Just as soon as I lose a few more pounds.


"Only when I lose am I winning."
Binge. Starving. Purge. Skinny. Thin & Pure — My Blog and Anorexia Story // Filed Under: Binge, starving, purge, skinny, promi news, throw up, my blog, ana blog, pro anorexia websites, anorexia blog, ana website, ana and mia, ana tips, thinness, bulimia tips, how to get anorexia, my anorexia story, pro bulimia, pro anorexia, ana diet, anorexia stories, anapro, anamia's, proana blog, pro eating disorder, ana diet plan, pro anorexia apps, ana tipps, ana mia blog, anorexia tips and tricks, anorexia rules, how to stop yourself from eating anorexia, pro anorexia quotes, eating disorder tips, what i eat in a day anorexia, skinny website, anorexia diary, proana rules, blog anorexia, mia tips, my ana, pro skinny, fastest way to lose weight anorexia, anorexia eating plan


cw: 147 144.3 132 131.7 124 122 117 112 110.2 108 107.4 99.1 239 Post Recovery 230 229.6 228 224.8 223.2 222.2 

hw: 242
gw1: 230
Reached: March 14, '19
gw2: 225
Reached: March 27, '19
gw3: 195
gw4: 180
gw5: 165
gw6: 145
gw7: 130
gw8: 120
gw9: 99
ugw: 85
height: 5'5"

methods: fasting; extreme calorie restriction, 5 bites, exercise