Food is Poison

I can understand why so many people with EDs self-harm. After eating some fucking candy one day this week, I gained 3 lbs, and sat in the parking lot of my work genuinely staring ahead and wanting my ram my car full speed into something that would severely hurt me.

I had to remind myself that I'm just fat as fuck, but still have something to live for, and yet, it took another 20-30 seconds for me to believe myself and drive home.
It's so depressing. I hate my body. I hate it more because of how it works, rather than just the fact it's so visually unappealing to me right now. It literally hurts my feelings so bad to know how fat I am. Sometimes, I feel like I'm just going to be fat forever, and it hurts me to know that I have no one to blame for the way I am now but myself. I can not BELIEVE I did this to myself.

My 135 day fast has been an absolute FAILURE. I am 15 days in and have only lost a net of 12 lbs - as of yesterday. Because that number could be much fucking lower tomorrow morning. I am so depressed. That's less than 1 lb a day which is what I was hoping for at the very least.

Tonight, I'm just going to eat whatever the fuck I want and get very drunk because it doesn't matter anyway, and tomorrow... tomorrow, I'm laying down some fucking rules.

I'm starting my fast completely over. I don't care. Tomorrow, we're resetting at Day 1, and my starting weight will embarrassingly be whatever I weigh tomorrow a.m. I have literally admitted to everyone at work that I am literally starving myself, so the stress of having to make up reasons why I can't eat all the fattening food and treats they keep shoving at me is completely eliminated. I just don't care anymore. I'm a grown ass woman, and I can do whatever I want, and don't have to be shamed or hide my actions or choices from anyone. That being said, here's what I'm going to fucking do:

New Rules

  1. Absolutely no fucking food! PERIOD.
  2. No snacks!
  3. No candy!
  4. No chocolate!
  5. No sweets or sugar of any kind! PERIOD. If I have to drink my fucking coffee creamless and disgusting black, so be it!
  6. No chips, crackers, nuts, chewables of any kind PERIOD - regardless of how low calorie they are. 
  7. Is the point being made, yet?? No eating!
  8. For 'meals', I am allowed one glass of juice for breakfast and one glass in the evenings, that's it.
  9. If I'm hungry, the only other acceptable intake AT ALL is broth, and it must be 10 calories or less.
  10. NO SOLID FOODS PERIOD. Even 0 or < 5 calorie ones. They are supposedly 0 cal, but I don't care what anyone says those fucking solids are making me fat! Even after I poop, so I KNOW it's not solid weight due to a needed a bowel movement.
  11. Again, NO SOLIDS. ONE - JUST ONE 8 oz glass or smaller of juice in the morning and at night, and broth a MAXIMUM of 3 times per day if I'm otherwise still hungry
  12. Bedtime is at 9:30 sharp! No excuses! I'm finding one of the main reasons I'm having such a hard time sticking to my fast is because I keep staying up fucking late and being too tired to function during the day so I eat to make things better. NO LONGER. At 9:30 pm and not a minute later, I'm going to bed.
  13. Exercise is not a crutch! No more breaking the rules and telling yourself it's okay because you'll just work it off later. That is clearly NOT working!

Tomorrow is a day and as pissed as I am to have set myself back again - no more looking back. I'm going to enjoy the rest of my evening, and focus on starting anew in the morning.


"Only when I lose am I winning."
Binge. Starving. Purge. Skinny. Thin & Pure — My Blog and Anorexia Story // Filed Under: Binge, starving, purge, skinny, promi news, throw up, my blog, ana blog, pro anorexia websites, anorexia blog, ana website, ana and mia, ana tips, thinness, bulimia tips, how to get anorexia, my anorexia story, pro bulimia, pro anorexia, ana diet, anorexia stories, anapro, anamia's, proana blog, pro eating disorder, ana diet plan, pro anorexia apps, ana tipps, ana mia blog, anorexia tips and tricks, anorexia rules, how to stop yourself from eating anorexia, pro anorexia quotes, eating disorder tips, what i eat in a day anorexia, skinny website, anorexia diary, proana rules, blog anorexia, mia tips, my ana, pro skinny, fastest way to lose weight anorexia, anorexia eating plan


cw: 147 144.3 132 131.7 124 122 117 112 110.2 108 107.4 99.1 239 Post Recovery 230 229.6 228 224.8 223.2 222.2 

hw: 242
gw1: 230
Reached: March 14, '19
gw2: 225
Reached: March 27, '19
gw3: 195
gw4: 180
gw5: 165
gw6: 145
gw7: 130
gw8: 120
gw9: 99
ugw: 85
height: 5'5"

methods: fasting; extreme calorie restriction, 5 bites, exercise