I'm Finally Seeing Progress Again


Words can't express how frustrating it's been for me to be 20 lbs away from my next to last gw, only to let someone convince me to go to recovery and balloon back up to almost 200lbs in a little over a year. I'm outraged and mad at myself, and have said never again.

I know ana isn't healthy. But how can someone say ana doesn't love me when being ana gives me something to live for and be happy about everyday? When I give in to my ED, I feel in control. Unlike so many other people who hate being ana/mia/other and are depressed and angry at the world, I am truly pro-ana. And I don't feel bad about it. I may be insane. Maybe. But I tell myself I can control my ED. It doesn't control me. I can feel myself slipping into that dark scary place where all I care about is losing. My body is cold. My speech is slurred. I worry about the less than 5 cals in a stick of chewing gum. "Should I spit this out now or swallow?" I can barely get out of bed in the mornings. And I sit at my desk at work barely able to function - let alone give my job my all. But each morning that I step on the scale and see that I've lost a lb. or 2 lbs. or on good days - 4 lbs., it's all worth it. I love ana. And she loves me.

When I am fat, I am depressed and angry. I hate everyone and everything. I perform poorly at work, because my fatness won't let me feel confident. I hide from my coworkers and am afraid to speak. I keep thinking everyone is just wondering why this ugly fat girl keeps talking. When I'm thin, I feel strong and in control of my life - that I can have will to do something so hard to reach such positive results. I feel beautiful and light. I feel happy. The world is bright. I feel like I can do anything. I don't care what anyone says. I'm not letting anyone take that away from me.

Before I went to recovery, I was 144 lbs. My highest was 207, and I had reached all my goals. My next one was 125 before finally settling for 115. Now, today I am 192. Almost exactly where I was a little over a year ago. I've been fasting, restricting and dieting since last week - trying to decide what works best for me. It seems to be a combo of everything. I refuse to eat more than 300 cals a day. I have a bottle of water that never leaves my side if I get 'hungry'. And most days, I don't eat at all. I'm in that place now right before ana consumes me, where the thought of putting food in my body disgusts me and literally makes me feel ill. I just ate a pringle - one pringle, and I feel like I want to throw up. I'm going to go to they gym later and work it off. And I love this feeling, but it's at this moment that I lose the most. Yeah... call me crazy. Then again, all my other pro-anas will understand.

4 lbs lost in 2 days. If I keep this up, I'll be past my first goal in a week. If I can just get to my 3rd gw, I will be able to stop feeling fat and disgusting... because at least I'll see light at the end of the tunnel.

xx,

"Only when I lose am I winning."
Binge. Starving. Purge. Skinny. Thin & Pure — My Blog and Anorexia Story // Filed Under: Binge, starving, purge, skinny, promi news, throw up, my blog, ana blog, pro anorexia websites, anorexia blog, ana website, ana and mia, ana tips, thinness, bulimia tips, how to get anorexia, my anorexia story, pro bulimia, pro anorexia, ana diet, anorexia stories, anapro, anamia's, proana blog, pro eating disorder, ana diet plan, pro anorexia apps, ana tipps, ana mia blog, anorexia tips and tricks, anorexia rules, how to stop yourself from eating anorexia, pro anorexia quotes, eating disorder tips, what i eat in a day anorexia, skinny website, anorexia diary, proana rules, blog anorexia, mia tips, my ana, pro skinny, fastest way to lose weight anorexia, anorexia eating plan

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cw: 147 144.3 132 131.7 124 122 117 112 110.2 108 107.4 99.1 239 Post Recovery 230 229.6 228 224.8 223.2 222.2 

hw: 242
gw1: 230
Reached: March 14, '19
gw2: 225
Reached: March 27, '19
gw3: 195
gw4: 180
gw5: 165
gw6: 145
gw7: 130
gw8: 120
gw9: 99
ugw: 85
height: 5'5"

methods: fasting; extreme calorie restriction, 5 bites, exercise

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@ThinandPure